Sunday, April 01, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Bush Says "Mea Culpa: Can I Get A Do-Over?"


President George W. Bush wakes this morning having been visited by three ghosts: the Pre-1776, the post-1776, and the post-Nine-Eleven specters. Each one had thus to say about their trial for W.

Pre-1776 Specter - in knickers, tights and a white powdered wig - "Methinks, Mr. Bush would have been right at home as a Wig in the Colonies. He retains a deep commitment to the ideals of imperialism. He greatly enjoyed the Salem Witch trails."

Post-1776 Specter - in a fedora, zoot suit, and pocket watch chain dangling low - "I've tried to show Mr. Bush the perils of colonial expansionism with particular attention to McCarthy and Vietnam. Even so, I don't think he saw these things as negative, but as patriotic gambits to win friends and influence those who would otherwise be our country’s enemies. I introduced him personally to the Roosevelt family, but I don't think he saw the Roosevelt siblings enlisting in the war effort as good for America. In fact, he said, Bah...humbug...and I'm quoting here...I think my daughters have really done as much for America, if not more than Roosevelt offspring..."

Post-Nine-Eleven Specter - dressed as the grim reaper - said nothing, of course, but reports indicate that he led W to the various piles of limbs of children killed in Iraq torn from their bodies, bloody and rotting...this was the tipping point.

As W awoke from his dream state, he ran to the window and threw open the sash, shouts to a passing boy...."Excuse me boy, you there!"

The boy cowers ready to be pelted with the usual political whitewash, perhaps wishing to avoid getting swift-boated or collected and shoveled off to Gitmo for some water boarding - stammers "yyyes...yes, sir?"

W - What day is this?

Boy - Why, 'tis the first day of April, and a lovely day at that.

W - Why yes indeed. I must call a news conference and load up the presidential propaganda catapult for I have a new platform from which to aid my fellow republicans win the next election...

Boy - Well, sir, I have no idea what you just said, can you lay it out for me like you were reading me a children's story? I like "My Pet Goat."

W - Well, shoot, that's one of my favorite storifications myself. Yes indeed.

W continues - I think I need a do over!

Boy - A do over?

W - Why yes, a do over. I think that, mea culpa...mea culpa...mea cupla...(shoot, where did ah' dredge up them thar fancy Latin words), I might have made a mistake after Nine Eleven. Yes indeedy, by golly. I did, I did. So, I am going to petition the Almighty for a do-over.

W - oh, and boy?

Boy - Yes?

W - I think I own Al Gore a real hearty apology too. Ya know, for getting selected over him in Y2K. It could have gone either way...Could you go over to that solar panel shop, you know, the one down the street near the Capital Hill, and purchase a roll of solar fabric and have it shipped to Gore so he can paste it to his roof and save our environment?

Boy - Why yes, I know the one. I've been there numerous times to outfit my bicycle with wheel generated lights for commuting at night.

W - Why yes, that's the one. Here take the presidential check book and see how many bonds we need to sell to the Chinese to pay for it...don't worry, I won't raise your taxes to do this....

Boy - Okay...I'll get right on it

...and the boy rides off...

W - shouting at the top of his lungs into the April sun...Hello wonderful world....what a beautiful spring day....I was wrong about many things...and today's the day, I start to admit my sins and turn my administration around, away from fear and toward the positive.

W - further - I'm going to start with my original slogan...instead of "You're either with us, or against us" let's flip it and see the result...Yes, yes indeed! It's no longer that your either with us or against us...That's not right. It's now Your either against us, or with us....ah, I feel better already.

W - Aside from clearing some brush when I get to my ranch this afternoon, I'm going to issue a proclamation...that will say...

Whereas many republicans have made many mistakes and errors in judgment

Whereas the Democrats will need some serious help digging us out of Iraq

Whereas I've really been a divider not a uniter

Thereby I hereby proclaim today, April first in the year two thousand and Seven of our lord, that every year on this date , it will be National Hug and Forgive a Republican Day. I expect all Americans not republicans to turn to their republican brethren and give them a great big bear hug, while whispering softly in their ears, "I forgive you for your sins." And thus, we will bridge the great divide and knit this great country of ours back together, one hug at a time....

W - God bless America and her enemies too...Allah Akbar to all and to all a good night.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

April Forgive-a-fool Day